Talking to Your Teens About Sex Doesn’t Have to be Scary

By Courtney Furlong, MS, MEd, LPC, CRC 

Parents and primary caregivers carry the most significant influence on healthy adolescent sexual development.1-4 A systematic literature review of all the research focused on parent and child communication about sexual development was conducted, and several themes emerged.

1. Teens need to feel supported. Adolescents who feel more connected to and supported by family are less likely to participate in risk-taking behaviors, including early sexual debut. Parental supportiveness was positively associated with delayed sexual debut, condom usage, and strengthened values, and realistic expectations about sex.2-3, 5 

2. Conversations should take place regularly. Regular parent-adolescent communication about  sexual health promotes positive behaviors, including abstinence, fewer sexual partners, contraceptive use, and partner communication about sexually transmitted illnesses.6 A significant majority (87%) of young women indicated that they wanted more information about sex and dating from their fathers.3 

3. Content and Quality of Conversations Matter. Informal, comfortable, open, honest, and  knowledgeable parent-adolescent conversations about sexual health are most effective and should include the positive and negative outcomes associated with sex.6-8 Reciprocal communication — or back and forth conversations where  talk time is split evenly — increases likelihood of abstinence. On the other hand, lecturing and other harsh communication actually decreases abstinence.9  

4. Conversations should follow the A B C - and - D Conceptual Model. In this model, parents and caregivers are encouraged to focus their conversations on:

   • A = Autonomy.

   • B =  Building (good romantic relationships),

   • C = Connectedness (with parents and caregivers), and

   • D = recognizing Diversity and removing Disparities.6 

5. Timing of Conversations is critical. Over 50% of children engage in genital touching before discussing birth control efficacy, resisting partner pressure for sex, sexually transmitted disease symptoms, condom use, choosing birth control, or partner condom refusal.10 Therefore, timing of parent-adolescent communication about healthy sexual development should occur in three different stages:  

   • Pre-sexual stage (handholding and kissing): Should include topics such as girls’ bodies and  menstruation

   • Pre-coital stage (genital touching and oral sex): Should include topics like birth control  efficacy and refusing sex

   • Intercourse10  

6. Be a Mentor more than a Monitor for Your Children. Parents need to know what their children are watching and with whom  their children are hanging out.3, 5-6, 11 Higher levels of parental vigilant care encourage delay of sexual debut, fewer sexual partners, and increased contraception use.3 Consider limiting access to technology and/or “screen time,” screening calls, texts, emails, social media,  etc., enforcing curfews, and getting to know the teen’s peer group. Set a "no-closed-doors" policy, and create “charging stations” in your room or a central location. Digital pruning and social media fasts in which all family members participate is a healthy practice that is linked to improved body image and self-esteem for youth.12

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References 

1. Chapman, E.N., & Werner-Wilson, R.J. (2008). Does positive youth development predict  adolescent attitudes about sexuality? Adolescence, 43(171), 505–523. http://doi.org/2008- 17180-006

2. Cox, R.B., Shreffler, K.M., Merten, M.J., Schwerdtfeger Gallus, K.L., & Dowdy, J.L. (2015).  Parenting, peers, and perceived Norms: What predicts attitudes toward sex among early  adolescents? The Journal of Early Adolescence, 35(1), 30–53. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431614523131

3. Meschke, L.L., & Zentall, S.R. (2002). Adolescent sexuality and parent-adolescent processes:  Promoting healthy teen choices. Journal of Adolescent Health, 31(6), 264-279. http://doi.org/10.1016s/s1054-139x(02)00499-8

4. Chilman, C. (1990). Promoting healthy adolescent sexuality. Family Relations, 39(2), pp. 123-131.  National Council on Family Relations. https://www.jstor.org/stable/585712

5. Parkes, A., Henderson, M., Wight, D., & Nixon, C. (2011). Is parenting associated with teenagers’  early sexual risk-taking, autonomy and relationship with sexual partners? Perspectives on Sexual  and Reproductive Health, 43(1), 30–40. https://doi.org/10.1363/4303011

6. Scull, T.M., Malik, V.C., Keefe, M.E., & Schoemann, A. (2019). Evaluating the short-term impact of media aware parent, a web-based program for parents with the goal of adolescent sexual health promotion. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 48(9), 1686–1706. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-019-01077-0

7. Ford, J.V., Vargas, E.C., Finotelli, Jr., I.J., Fortenberry, D., Kismodi, E., Philpot, A. (2019). Why  pleasure matters: Its global relevance for sexual health, sexual rights and wellbeing. International Journal of Sexual Health, 31(3), pp. 217-230. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2019.1654587 

8. Schalet, A.T. (2011). Beyond abstinence and risk: A new paradigm for adolescent sexual health.  Women’s Health Issues, 21(3, Supplement), S5–S7. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.whi.2011.01.007

9. Rogers, A.A., Ha, T., Stormshak, E.A., Dishion, T.J. (2015). Quality of parent–adolescent  conversations about sex and adolescent sexual behavior: An observational study. Journal of  Adolescent Health, 57(2), pp. 174-179. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2015.04.010

10. Beckett, M.K., Elliott, M.N., Martino, S., Kanouse, D.E., Corona, R., Klein, D.J., & Schuster, M.A.  (2010). Timing of parent and child communication about sexuality relative to children’s sexual  behaviors. Pediatrics, 125(1), 34–42. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2009-0806

11. Langley, C. (2016). Father knows best: Paternal presence and sexual debut in African-American  adolescents living in poverty. Family Process, 55(1), 155–170. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12125

12. Daniels, E. (2023). Youth self-esteem and identity: The media(ted) self [Webinar]. Child and Screens. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6416975548501/WN_AaSdQIARTV-glBnDEEQOiQ#/registration

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Courtney Furlong, MS, MEd, LPC, CRC, is a native of Atlanta, GA and a graduate of Auburn University with a Master of Science in Human Development and Family Science and a Master of Education in Rehabilitation Counseling. A licensed counselor, Furlong has spent over 20 years working with victims of commercial sexual exploitation from ten countries covering Asia, Africa, Europe, and North America. She is currently a PhD Candidate in Human Development and Family Science at Auburn University and serves as the Director of Research for Street Grace.