Talking to Your Teens About Sex Doesn’t Have to be Scary
By Courtney Furlong, MS, MEd, LPC, CRC
Parents and primary caregivers carry the most significant influence on healthy adolescent sexual development.1-4 A systematic literature review of all the research focused on parent and child communication about sexual development was conducted, and several themes emerged.
Teens need to feel supported. Adolescents who feel more connected to and supported by family are less likely to participate in risk-taking behaviors, including early sexual debut. Parental supportiveness was positively associated with delayed sexual debut, condom usage, and strengthened values, and realistic expectations about sex.2-3, 5
Conversations should take place regularly. Regular parent-adolescent communication about sexual health promotes positive behaviors, including abstinence, fewer sexual partners, contraceptive use, and partner communication about sexually transmitted illnesses.6 A significant majority (87%) of young women indicated that they wanted more information about sex and dating from their fathers.3
Content and Quality of Conversations Matter. Informal, comfortable, open, honest, and knowledgeable parent-adolescent conversations about sexual health are most effective and should include the positive and negative outcomes associated with sex.6-8 Reciprocal communication — or back and forth conversations where talk time is split evenly — increases likelihood of abstinence. On the other hand, lecturing and other harsh communication actually decreases abstinence.9
Conversations should follow the A B C - and - D Conceptual Model. In this model, parents and caregivers are encouraged to focus their conversations on:
A = Autonomy.
B = Building (good romantic relationships),
C = Connectedness (with parents and caregivers), and
D = recognizing Diversity and removing Disparities.6
Timing of Conversations is critical. Over 50% of children engage in genital touching before discussing birth control efficacy, resisting partner pressure for sex, sexually transmitted disease symptoms, condom use, choosing birth control, or partner condom refusal.10 Therefore, timing of parent-adolescent communication about healthy sexual development should occur in three different stages:
Pre-sexual stage (handholding and kissing): Should include topics such as girls’ bodies and menstruation
Pre-coital stage (genital touching and oral sex): Should include topics like birth control efficacy and refusing sex
Intercourse10
Be a Mentor more than a Monitor for Your Children. Parents need to know what their children are watching and with whom their children are hanging out.3, 5-6, 11 Higher levels of parental vigilant care encourage delay of sexual debut, fewer sexual partners, and increased contraception use.3 Consider limiting access to technology and/or “screen time,” screening calls, texts, emails, social media, etc., enforcing curfews, and getting to know the teen’s peer group. Set a "no-closed-doors" policy, and create “charging stations” in your room or a central location. Digital pruning and social media fasts in which all family members participate is a healthy practice that is linked to improved body image and self-esteem for youth.12
References
Chapman, E.N., & Werner-Wilson, R.J. (2008). Does positive youth development predict adolescent attitudes about sexuality? Adolescence, 43(171), 505–523. http://doi.org/2008- 17180-006
Cox, R.B., Shreffler, K.M., Merten, M.J., Schwerdtfeger Gallus, K.L., & Dowdy, J.L. (2015). Parenting, peers, and perceived Norms: What predicts attitudes toward sex among early adolescents? The Journal of Early Adolescence, 35(1), 30–53. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431614523131
Meschke, L.L., & Zentall, S.R. (2002). Adolescent sexuality and parent-adolescent processes: Promoting healthy teen choices. Journal of Adolescent Health, 31(6), 264-279. http://doi.org/10.1016s/s1054-139x(02)00499-8
Chilman, C. (1990). Promoting healthy adolescent sexuality. Family Relations, 39(2), pp. 123-131. National Council on Family Relations. https://www.jstor.org/stable/585712
Parkes, A., Henderson, M., Wight, D., & Nixon, C. (2011). Is parenting associated with teenagers’ early sexual risk-taking, autonomy and relationship with sexual partners? Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 43(1), 30–40. https://doi.org/10.1363/4303011
Scull, T.M., Malik, V.C., Keefe, M.E., & Schoemann, A. (2019). Evaluating the short-term impact of media aware parent, a web-based program for parents with the goal of adolescent sexual health promotion. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 48(9), 1686–1706. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-019-01077-0
Ford, J.V., Vargas, E.C., Finotelli, Jr., I.J., Fortenberry, D., Kismodi, E., Philpot, A. (2019). Why pleasure matters: Its global relevance for sexual health, sexual rights and wellbeing. International Journal of Sexual Health, 31(3), pp. 217-230. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2019.1654587
Schalet, A.T. (2011). Beyond abstinence and risk: A new paradigm for adolescent sexual health. Women’s Health Issues, 21(3, Supplement), S5–S7. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.whi.2011.01.007
Rogers, A.A., Ha, T., Stormshak, E.A., Dishion, T.J. (2015). Quality of parent–adolescent conversations about sex and adolescent sexual behavior: An observational study. Journal of Adolescent Health, 57(2), pp. 174-179. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2015.04.010
Beckett, M.K., Elliott, M.N., Martino, S., Kanouse, D.E., Corona, R., Klein, D.J., & Schuster, M.A. (2010). Timing of parent and child communication about sexuality relative to children’s sexual behaviors. Pediatrics, 125(1), 34–42. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2009-0806
Langley, C. (2016). Father knows best: Paternal presence and sexual debut in African-American adolescents living in poverty. Family Process, 55(1), 155–170. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12125
Daniels, E. (2023). Youth self-esteem and identity: The media(ted) self [Webinar]. Child and Screens. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6416975548501/WN_AaSdQIARTV-glBnDEEQOiQ#/registration